Patrick is seemingly a reclusive living in a large caravan at the back of the local caravan park. One evening he receives a visitor in the form of a women who is after help, a lift, and a phone. There’s a storm raging outside so help is little thin on the ground, you really don’t want to venture into an Aussie tempest, late at night, with the lights being a bit dodgy. We gradually learn that both Patrick and his visitor have things to hide, and they are going to be unleashed as the situation gets more cabin feverish. Buckle up mates, we are going into an Aussie indie.

I have never been so bored since I got conned into going to a French film festival that bored the tits off me. There are only so many static shots, lingering angles, and plots that give themselves away in the first act that you can sit through without chemical enhancement. Not that I am promoting drug use here, but hey if you want a solution to your insomnia then you have the right movie, simply slip the movie on and you will be snoozing away at the thirty-minute mark. Horribly, there’s a pretty good short here, but we’re talking a ten minute short at best, there’s not enough gristle on the bone here for a feature length presentation.

The movie operates as a two shot in a limited location, which to be honest is not interesting enough to be anything more than a quick location shot in any movie that knows what it is doing. Our leads, Brendan Rock (Patrick) and Jordan Cowan (The Visitor), carry the movie adequately and clearly have the talent for larger productions, but there isn’t really enough beyond meaningful glances for them to do within a movie that is increasingly isolating itself and having not that much to say. Both characters increasingly have I guess flashbacks or hallucinations, but since we all know where this is going what is on display never really has the impact the movie makers seem to think it will.

Directing, and seriously we needed two Directors for this one, is by the numbers with more time spent on what our Directors think are artistic shots rather than anything approaching tension or atmosphere being developed will have punters checking the run time and working out if they shouldn’t jettison the flick early and hit something more solidly created within the genre. As stated there are only so many static shoots anyone will be kept entertained by in the dark genre. On the bright side viewers might be in a better mood with the final act, there’s some seriously disturbing ideas going down there.

The plot is pretty much a one sentence idea. We have journeyed down this path in previous better movies, and there’s nothing much of a twist coming at us. Without giving away spoilers, psychotic dude and revenants, except without anything approaching gore, sorry to the hounds of hell you will not be howling at the moon over this one. If wanting something new then this isn’t the movie for you, on the bright side we have no twenty something teens or obnoxious kids cluttering up the landscape.

I was impressed by the use of the storm throughout however. There’s lashings of rain and lightning as the script requires, almost making the storm raging outside the cabin in the woods a third character. In traditional literature, non-horror kids, if there is a storm raging it generally is a metaphor for the thoughts and feelings of a character, a sort of externalisation that the audience can pick up on, guess the same is happening here. I’m not going down the path of counting angels on the head of pins, a worthless pursuit when it comes to the dark genre, but you can take what you want from it.

Naturally the intelligencia and those who consider themselves to be a touch above the rest of us plebs are right across this movie, claiming it’s the second coming of the cinematic god. Those people would be wrong. The dark genre is about generating unease in the viewer if not outright chilled fingers down spines, no matter what you are showing you can’t achieve that with static angles and plots that move with all the speed of glaciers on a particularly cold morning. Just because a movie goes dramatic, and let’s face it doesn’t surprise anyone who have watched ten plus horror movies, doesn’t mean it is excellent cinema.

So I watched, or suffered through if I want to be honest, You’ll Never Find Me and by hell that was a test of my staying power. The movie progresses in glacial slowness toward a climax that everyone saw coming from about minute ten. While there were some decent scenes, mainly in the final act, static angles tend to overpower any positive thoughts towards this flick which would have made a pretty good ten minute short. No recommendation on this one, if someone suggests you should sit down and watch it flee their presence like Lucifer has leaped up and grabbed you by the tits. This final sentence writes itself, you’ll never find me watching this over wrought movie again.